Taking A Time-out......

So know it's been a minute. I've basically went into seclusion from just about all social networks and postings. The Holidays are hard for me. I know one is to be joyous and thankful for their blessings, but its also a time that I reflect on my life (with the New Year almost here) and reflect on how much I miss my late husband. I don't care how many years go by, the pain will always remain. Coping mechanisms change and become a little easier but it's just that~to help cope. I am thankful for life, health & strength. Lord's willing I turn 30 in a couple weeks and never imagined me at that age~man how time flies *sighs* This new year I plan to just be a better me.......a better mother......and know my worth. Yes at my age I still make mistakes and could save myself a lot of tears if could start taking heed and really put & keep God first in my life. If I don't get to post again I hope whoever is reading this has a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year :-)

~Peace & Blessings~

Smooth Sailing.....

Wow ~ ok #1, the constellation did respond so was really happy about that and looking forward to seeing him, #2, had a great couple days with the Captain (although one night he was sick and had to nurse back to health). I basically decided I didn't want to nag, loose sleep, cry, argue, nothing else anymore. He's young and not gonna stop sleeping with all these girls until he grows out of it so while they all spread their legs I need to keep commitment of friendship ~ Will it be easy, not at all. Going on 2 years now, but I know what Kisha wants and I can't allow his behavior and fears to make me feel any less of a woman. When I love I do just that~love~flaws and all and if its meant to be it'll be. In the mean time, it is what it is and I'm enjoying learning more about him and each other each moment spent together. We both have things to work on so no more rushing.......


SN: Heard a song today on the radio that brought back such memories "If You Love Me", by Brownstone, so decided to add to blog.  I miss the 90's......

~PnB~

Letting go...

So a couple days ago I wrote a final appeal to a friend, trying to make amends. I stated that if they didn't respond I would take that as letting it be ~ and they never replied. I didn't want things to end the way they did and as much as I've fought to be there maybe that could be viewed as chasing...... After they explained their situation a while back I merely wanted to keep my friendship, but I guess sometimes even friendships come to an end. I let them know how much I cared and in ending wished them blessings in all that they do.

The fighter in me wanted to text today but I'm learning to listen to the silence.

~Know when to stay, and when to walk away~

~PnB~

Suicide.....

....the process of purposely ending ones life.  


Can't say I've ever wanted to just end my life before...........that is until last week.


According to an article by Dr. Melissa Stoppler, "Suicide is a major public health problem, with more than 32,000 persons dying by suicide each year in the United States, or about 80 suicides per day. In addition to completed suicides, another 1,500 unsuccessful suicide attempts occur each day. In the 18- to 65-year age group, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death in the United States". 


There have been times where I just wanted to run away, get away from the stress, I actually did run away when I was about 11 years old (crazy), but never just wanted to end my life.  I've always been able to cry, be depressed, pull Frederick's up and keep it moving. But this past week was different.  I read something and immediately my heart sank and just felt like I didn't want to be here.  My life insurance policy is paid for, guardian of kids is noted, they would even have a two parent home to give them all the things they need and want.  But as I stood in the mirror the annoyance of my daughter continually calling me began to snap me back.  


I don't care how rough it is it should never get that bad.........and that's when I realized I really needed to let go.  It's not worth it.  A woman can give so much of herself (fault of her own) until she has nothing left for herself.  All to be left feeling unappreciated, unloved (9 times out of 10 by a man), trying to keep sight of a goal and the light getting dimmer and dimmer, then added family problems all compounded.  I always try to stay positive in anything, Lord knows I have had worst time, but with matters of my heart and love this was the final blow.  I should've called my sister but then I didn't want the "told u saw", or just the negative feelings to make me feel even worst.  I'm an intelligent woman, have 2 beautiful kids, first of my mother's 6 children to graduate college & grad school, but none of that mattered at that very moment.  The fact that I claim to believe in God and be saved ~ all of that was no where in my psyche.


I never want to have that feeling again and never will.


~PnB~

One Last Cry......

So........ A while back I fell in love with this constellation who was never emotionally available, and then fell in love with a child who is so immature when not in my presence it's scary. I definitely need to do better when it comes to matters of my heart. The constellation, after I look back, was never really there but yet after 2 years was available to get to know another came along so issue there was more of thinking friendship was better. With the child, he played the role quickly making me option #2 whenever option #1 arrived and fell into the girlfriend role that everyone has given her (except him, although what he allows says different).  I helped keep him level headed and try to open mind and thinking, he helped me chill the hell out, not be so stressed but keep focus as well.  Down side to that is it wasn't just for me.  And while I waited until he finished college, then waited until he got started in his career, beginning to sink in that no matter how long I wait it will never be what I want it to be.  


I feel like I've lost my best friend and the sad thing with crossing the line with a friend is that you can never really go back to just being that, friends.  Not sure I'll find another that I can spend hours talking to about my fears, hopes, & dreams, or one that will tell me to just shut up and relax........But my sis begs to differ ~ my eyes are still blurry. In my past its taken a year or more to get over someone ~ and this will definitely take some time. I've cried so much don't think there's any more water left in my tear ducts.  But the key to it is cutting communication and staying busy.


My birthday is coming up, graduation in May, and looking forward to new career. Funny thing is I told God I didn't want to take any baggage from my 20's into my 30's and I guess He decided to bring some things to light that I've been blinding myself from or trying to hold on to. I don't regret either one, it's all a learning process~and if u don't learn u don't grow.


Not in a happy place right now, self-esteem kinda shot, but hey ~ time heals all wounds and this too shall pass.  I try to find the positive in whatever and refuse to be the bag lady, but gotta make sure I take whatever lesson God is trying to show me from this and do better.


~Peace & Blessings~