Talk about honesty.....

So S and I had a two hour long conversation yesterday.  Some tears....some laughter.....  There are 4 things that I must say I appreciate. 1. The fact that when we talk he makes sure it's face to face, no calling or texts, no assuming facial expressions, tone, etc. 2. That he does takes time to actually talk to me.  I realized that with him at the beginning and that men in my past would just disappear or not discuss issues. 3. Have never had a man break down me to me..... 4. As much of an ass that he is he admits when he's wrong all bs aside.  I can honestly say he does love me.  He's young, still trying to figure out life, but I do trust that he loves me.  He called me out on a couple of things, thought it was hilarious but he said he could never blame me or anyone else that he knows he's pushed me to the limit.  At the end of the day he knows where his heart is, could care less about the other "hoe's" and if I notice he never brings me around "bruhs" because while fun with the others he never wants them to put me in that category of me being "another one of S's hoe's".  He told me two things that gives him pause with us 1. Developing a close relationship with the kids and then not being able to be there, 2. My temper and how I am when I go on rants.  But I asked him does he know where the rants stem from?  I felt very secure and good until I found out about another.  He replied he knew but there were times when he wasn't doing anything.  That if he doesn't respond within a certain time frame or miss calling I go OFF......  I had to take a moment and reflect within myself.  That is something I need to work on.  Am I too clingy? Needy?  I'm here in a state without any family, holidays are the worst, and at times think I do resent him leaving and spending time with his family and that's not right.  Now I do wish he would visit sometimes but overall I shouldn't feel that way. 

We just really had a heart-to-heart that was much needy.  I'll be 32 January 9th, 2013 is right around the corner and I've been doing a lot of self-reflecting and focusing on things I need to work on.  This is another I will work on.  I want to remarry, I want another child. I want my PhD, I want to teach, I want to continue working with Juveniles - all of this....... In order to get something new gotta do some new things.

Thankful for self-reflection.....

~Peace & Blessings~

Change of Heart.....

So I mentioned how I blocked S finally from my phone (at least I think I did in previous blog...)  I blocked him wanting to give a break with the calls, texts, etc.  I noticed that when I would call/text he would be busy, barely respond, etc., but the moment I go silent and no be available is when he would blow me up.  Thanksgiving Day did it for me.  We had just spent time together the night before, pillow fighting, talking, just mad fun.....but then once I got home (30mins later) he didn't respond to a message I sent of arriving home (no biggie) but then he also didn't answer call a few hours later.....nor the call later.....nor the call in the morning.  At about 10am I get a message that he got my messages, so all my calls, but was knocked out (30mins after I left, mind you he had just waken before I arrived to him), had walk at 5:30 in the morning to drive home (45mins) and then went back to sleep.  Was now about to eat with family......  Now I would have no problem with this other than the fact that he took time to send me a message with all that but not 2/3mins to actually pick up the phone and call me back :-/
All while I'm pulling up to his house and realize his truck is still sitting in the driveway :-/

I felt like it was BS, my instincts told me BS, and that was just it.  I was driving to my girlfriends house in Austin (2.5 hours) and during drive just began to think of my sister, best friends, their marriages, families, and just hit me........ I don't want this.  I don't want to be afraid of losing something I don't even have yet and I want to date with purpose.  I want to show my children healthy dating, a healthy relationship, not someone that pops in and out of their lives once a month, every other month.  Someone that will pillow fight with me more than once a month, someone that will answer when I call and make time to talk, someone that I can talk to about my day.  Consistency.....Love.....Respect.....Appreciation.....

A new year is coming up.....my birthday right after....and just taking a deep retrospective look at my life.  The things I continue to put up with, compromises that I continue to make, the pain I continue to subject my heart to.

Change has got to come....... 

~Peace & Blessings~

Dating.....

I need to vent my dating life...... My girlfriends are not always available and I don't want to constantly nag/bug about this crazy roller coaster I go thru (although they, including 2 guys, are very supportive and experience some of the same....) so I want to start writing about it.  I have a journal that I keep but often miss writing and want this strictly to be my dating adventures.  So with that being said I begin......

Single Mother - Single Parent (Widow) - 2 Children, daughter 14 and son 13 - Educated (MBA)
Work - Clean - Cook - Fun ( I believe) - In Shape - God Fearing - ..............yea all that, that's me.

Them.....

1. DJ 
History - Cool friendship (I thought) messing around for over the past 5 years, live in different states so always made time when I was in town, speak here and there, holidays, check on each other, etc.  Has one son, dropped out of college but makes a decent living doing his passion.

Current - Recently found out thru a social site that not only is he in a relationship but has a baby on the way...................................................................................................

Thoughts - Our friendship wasn't what I thought it was, I felt hurt to find out such information on a site and not from his mouth, wish them both the best.

2. N
History - Have known each other just about as long as DJ, live in different states but see each other occasionally when I visit, parents have been married over 30 years, no children, graduates this Fall, just overall good genes.  The only thing that really bothered me is the smoking.

Current - Graduates this Fall and while not sure where he will reside he does show interest in having a relationship with me.

Thoughts - Can't say I'm totally head over heals for.......but would be willing to give a try.....

3. L
History - I would say he ranks number one......but that's more based off interactions with my children, him being there while in hospital with one, just has always been here for me.  Has one son, finished Master's, parent's have been together a long time, always encouraging and checking on us.

Current - Resides in a different state, more focused on getting career started and being able to see son more consistently.

Thoughts - Not sure how our paths will be but I do understand the son/mother situation so am a good supportive friend and just appreciate when we do get to see each other.

4. S
History - Have known the less from the previous, lives in same state, no children, Military.

Current - Graduates this coming Spring, has given me hell.........have given a break and actually blocked from my cell phone.  I love so much but tired......

Thoughts - Need to allow time to grow......without me.

5. M
History - Have known a couple years.  Two daughters who live in HI.  Criminal background, didn't graduate HS nor College.

Current - Wants to be a rapper :-/ Love the street smarts but also hurts communication demeanor and attitude.

Thoughts -  I care about him but he definitely has some issues to work through.  We actually got into it last night because he was upset that I wouldn't come visit him but how I'm always in another city, etc.  I told him that 1. He doesn't know how I afford to visit the places we go and 2. that he offers to provide gas SOMETIMES but then somehow forgets to retrieve cash etc. *sighs*

So...........those are the ones now (well minus DJ). 

Last week S and I spent some time before Thanksgiving together.  We pillow fighted....played.....was really fun.  But then him not asking what the children and I had planned for the Holiday (knowing we have no family here) hurt....made me feel as if he didn't care.  We went to visit my girlfriend in Austin and on the ride up I thought about her, my ls, another best friend, my sister, and how their relationships are.  They're not perfect but  they have them.  I don't have anyone to play with consistently, talk to about my day, be held by at night, none of that.  I have "play time".  December will be here Saturday, a new year soon and I just refuse to continue down this path.  This summer I developed the attitude of "Give Time and Attention where Time and Attention are Reciprocated", KTQ.  This quote has helped me tremendously!  I know there are things I still would like to accomplish (PhD, Home ownership, Travel) and just trying to channel energy on those things so not caught up so much with this Single Life.  There are some other gentlemen that attempt to date me.  I'm not as attracted to them and haven't felt the connection.  Part of me is ready to take a 6 month break.....6 months to focus on me, develop relationship with God, knock out Goals and prepare myself for what I really want. I have tried before and failed so bad.  But nothing beats trying....... 

Went thru some old post and came across something I wrote back in March of 2010

http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6414225538247665074#editor/target=post;postID=94532956188881497


~Peace & Blessings~

What lies ahead......

So this week I prepare to return to Grambling State University....my Alma Mater....for Homecoming!  It is also the HC at my current job so week as been pretty easy breazy.  I'm excited, nervous, haven't been to HC since '08.  Have been in the vacinty but not to the actual HC.  Either way, have had a lot on my mind lately....my career, dating, my children, really trying to get into the PhD program here for my passion of working with Juveniles.  We'll see.......one things for sure is whats to come will be better than whats been.

I'm thankful.  I'm not perfect yet God continues to show His love....pour out blessings.....provides all my needs and wants even when not deserving.

We head out on tomorrow so praying for safe travels.  Update to follow sometime next week ;-)

**So just realized I never published this** smh

~Peace & Blessings~

Catching up.....

So had a blast at HC!!!  I could've stayed in doors, got wasted and still would've had a wonderful time with my Sorority Sisters lol  There weren't a lot of people there as in past but I always have the attitude that my enjoyment not be contingent upon others :-)

Dating: A topic I haven't spoke about in awhile....

So I've recently developed this attitude of spend and give time where it is reciprocated.....and ever since then I've been a happier woman ;-)  I realized that I give so much of me away and have nothing left.  Was dating a guy and felt it was more one-sided..... I have no doubt that he loves and cares for me, my children, but he's just not on my level yet.  This ninja has been making me feel like I'm trippin' for the past 6 + months and I finally got into his Facebook account (I know wrong and amazes me how that becomes viewed as bad as the lying smh lol) ANYWAY, I didn't tell him at first how I knew certain things....just started saying little by little.  Ultimately I did tell him I was happy that all this time he would say I'm trippin', not listening to other people, etc. and now I had his own words.  I told him that I didn't need to hear others and how his actions spoken louder than any words that could grace my ear.  We talked finally and he just started explaining.  We both apologized, he for not being honest and I for going into his Facebook.  He then explained how he doesn't care about any of the girls :-/ and this is where I stop trying to understand the pschy of a man.....  The games, and don't get me wrong women do it to, but OMG.....smh  Both can string either party along and not think twice about it....sad but truth.  We laughted, talked some more, and I just let it all go...... See I know he's young, it's his maturity state now, sad but another truth.  Not sure what will happen between us two but one thing I do know is I'm not wasting anymore of my time, sexiness, on noncense and not happy.  I love him dearly and will be here when needed but I know what I'm dealing with.....have known but now have actual evidence, and will just go from there.

Life is too short and right now I would like to enjoy it, LIVE.  I met another guy and he was just straight head over heels with me and normally nothing would be wrong with that but I think since still dealing with first guy timing is just bad.  I begin to ask God to change my eye-sight......I don't want to miss what God has for me being caught up with something He's trying to pull me away from....if that's the case.

Ok so that's my dating life for the moment.  Drake said it best ".....We sure make it feel like we're together".

So until the real thing comes along I will continue to focus (would like to apply to PhD program this coming Spring), enjoy myself, take care of my children, and just enjoy life!

~Peace & Blessings~