Thursday, February 21, 2013

Falling.......

So yesterday I believe I had my very first nervous breakdown.........FREAKED OUT!  I had spoke with my sister the night before and with one simple question Pandora's box was opened. 

She had asked me why I didn't call my niece for her birthday.  My thoughts said because I don't care but my mouth said because I didn't grow up like that (we grew up in different households and wasn't a big thing).  My one thought led me to why do I feel that way about my family?  How do I "say" that I love them and miss them yet could care less about their lives or seeing them?  That doesn't add up........ While sitting in the parking lot of Kroger it hit me.  The way I felt about my family and loved ones were the exact words S had been telling me.  I remember a conversation that we had in which he said these very words to me, "I don't care about a lot of things that other people do care about.......don't know why I just don't. I love you but I can't show you love the way you want me to".  It hit me, what he does to me is exactly how I treat others.  I say I miss my family and wish I had some close yet can go months/years without talking to them and could care less what is going on in their life.  Why? Why do I stay away yet claim to miss so?  This led me to do further research.  Of course at this moment I'm now wondering am I Narcissistic........but the more I read I then found out I'm indeed Borderline...............  Most men are Narcissistic and are attracted to women who are Borderline.  I have drawn attraction from men for a very long time, charming, can appeal to any man, it's in my nature. I gravitate to broken men.....I fix broken men.  I realized today why when I meet a safe guy I'm turned off, safe terrifies me.  My husband was safe - I gave him hell - and then God took  him away from me.  I freaked because the enemy that I saw in S I now saw in myself.  This was never about him.....readings say that most Narcissistic Men will never realize themselves, some grow out of it and some don't but takes a hit like I experienced to see it.  I freaked because it felt like a curtain had come up on my life and I no longer knew the woman I thought I was.  In reading it says the condition stems from the mother for both boys and girls at a young age.  Attention that is missed as a child is now thrived on and pretty pictures or painted for the world to see.  This blog probably outlines more of my life than any person I actually speak to.....some of the things here would taint me.

I got my plant because I thought it would help me heal from him but I now realize my plant will help me heal from me....... I know how my condition started.  My mother's mental illness didn't allow her to give the attention I needed as a child, her supportive side was missing because she suffered with her own issues.  She now does better now that she understands herself but in talking to her on yesterday I think she will now see the extent of how it has effected her 6 children.

I feel drained.  I woke with another revelation in regards to how I've treated my manager, to only be remorseful the next day, and also how I've treated my kids, now terrified of them going thru the same once they become adults.  It was said that in today's society Narcissism is heightened......we all want things now and feel entitlement.  Social Sites help us paint pretty pictures of ourselves when we are hell on wheels.  I was a late bloomer with watching Scandal, no cable and just had never came across it.  I remember the first time watching it and being hooked lol  A friend said that I was driven like Olivia........but then another friend came back and said I was just like Olivia.  I'm a fixer.  I'm drawn to men that need fixing.  Of course I didn't see it that way, just felt the attractions. I always equated me moving on because I can just leave men like that but it's not actually the case.  Ex. I have a friend that I was so attached to.  We talked on yesterday and I asked him if he realized that when he was going thru hell with his job, yet didn't want me I was so engulfed with him.......then a couple of years later he took me to dinner and professed wanting to date and how things had changed in his life.  I was no longer attracted to him, stopped answering his calls and communicating - cut off.  He didn't need fixing and the thought of him actually being right to love me now terrified me.

I feel like I was praying and asking God to show me, show me, show me!  And in the parking lot of Kroger he lifted the curtains so I could see it all.......... We couldn't leave each other because our controlling personalities attract each other and thrive off the chaos that we cause. My control comes from seduction, which a lot of times I don't even know I'm doing (Men: I love your voice, your walk, something about you........they're right - something about me).

I'm still gonna work with my plant.  I had planted my seeds but my friend bought me an actual plant.  He said that if I neglect it the plant will show much faster. Everyone says it's such a beautiful plant, like when they say I'm a beautiful person...... I don't see it, it's just a plant, but I guess that's the point. Can I grow to love and take care of this plant like I think I love and take care of these men?


This link explains what I've been going thru since my husband passed (maybe even before) and my exact life this past year and trying to change........ http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html


~Peace & Blessings~

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