It's the Weekend!

So a little update with my goals below.....thinking I'll start copying and pasting the list when I get one knocked off or to list updates...... Here we go....

1. Daniel Fast (1/24/13) - Finished on yesterday. Towards the last week I fell off.  Kept the sweets and alcohol away (minus bday), and even the bread, but when I got down to the meat it got a little tough :-(

2. Reading "The Purpose Driven Life" - Have fallen off by a couple days but still on it!
3. I commit to at least one date night or Girls Night Out Monthly - Next night out will be Feb. 2nd when I attend the TSU Vs. PV Basketball Game ;-)  I printed out some calendars from Outlook and basically have something to attend every month!
4. This year I will date without any attachments - Haven't been on a date yet but so far so good.

5. Celibacy Abstinence - No comment smh *giggles*sighs*

6. Begin PhD Program, or at least the Research pre-requisite class - Still working on
7.52 Week Money  Challenge - Had to dip for gas but will put back with pay next month.

8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months - Braided up!

9. I will commit to Yoga daily - On it!
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday) - Decided to stick with Cancun and have been searching flights ;-)
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion) - Hotel and dates finalized, purchasing next month.
12. California in December! - Will revisit towards the summer months

13. Church Participation - Have been fulfilling #19 so think will merge the two.

14. CASA Appointment - Two more classes and Sworn in on Feb. 11th!!
15. Obtain a Passport - Hoping to have by March

16. No Overdraft fee's for the year - Unfortunately I was unable to keep this goal......towards the end of the month it is pretty rough and needed gas to get back and forth to work *sighs*
17. I would like to workout more with weights as to tone my body - Found awesome video's with Tone It Up Blog that helps me stay on this!  Now doing 2-a-days :-)
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas for my daughters bday - Have priced all expenses and it's a go!
19. Complete a Mosaic Women's Course at our church - So far so good.....15 more weeks in completion should be in May.

20. Have a least one fun day with my children Monthly - My son has been gone every weekend this month!  He likes to skateboard and be with his friends......but my daughter and I have had some nice outings at the Mall and even took some pics in the little Photo Booth *huge smiles*
21. Take more baths than showers - Need to stick to Wed. / Thurs. for starters but have taken one or two so far this year.....
22. Blog about every single one of these items (hopefully attaching some pics here and there).....helping me to Blog more :-) - I think I've been doing pretty good with this.  I don't have Internet at home so I don't Blog as much on the weekend.
23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration - This is still up in the air......we'll see.

So there's my update.  Maybe I'll update the last Friday of every month :-)

Also, I've finally changed my name on Social Sites and even added a new Profile Pic *below* ;-)

Have an awesome weekend!!!

~Peace & Blessings~

Happiness......

Crazy but that's the overwhelming feeling I'm having right now.  Nothing has occurred but on my ride home yesterday I just reminded myself of my word for the year......responsibility......and the responsibility I have for my happiness :-)

I got a call from a Line Sister that I hadn't talked to in years.  We had a big falling out, she was young and has grown so much, and basically called to apologize for the way she handled things......was really nice to hear from her!  She said she had to grow up, was very conservative, had been with the same boyfriend since high school, just a lot of things she didn't know but that she now understands me lol  We fell off from something that at the time I felt was very foolish but our perspectives were just different.  Either way it doesn't matter - I'm just so happy to finally be in touch with my sister again :-)  She taught me how to wear eye shadow at 26/27 lol

Let's see......my best friend L is coming to town!  He's working the All Star Game and got me tickets to attend!!!  He even mentioned a date, which would be really nice since it's been some months since I've been on one, but I'll be happy just enjoying the game and any time we get to spend around each other :-)  Hadn't realized that the games are the same week as Valentine's Day........

Moving on.....looked up the pricing for my daughter's 15th Bday *sighs* (Still can't believe how time has gone by.......)  Have decided to take them during the Spring Break that they are off so that we can make it a Weekend Trip :-)

School Loans......so thankful got good ol' Sallie Mae to review my income and praying for a reduction in the amount that my payments will be. 

CASA Training - 3 more classes!

Fun - Basketball Game at TSU on Feb. 2nd........yea that's gonna be fun - I feel it lol

My co-worker and I have been busting our butts on a new Summer Internship Program and so happy to finally announce that our proposal was approved and now moving up to the VP!!

Yea........moments like these help me to remember - I got things to do, places to see and fun to have!!!

New favorite song "Lose To Win" LOVE!!!

~Peace & Blessings~

Just let me go.......

So once again S and I have had this same, drawn out conversation.  I finally just asked him "What do you want from me?".  He made his way to DC for the Inauguration of our great President Obama's 2nd term, yet couldn't make his way to my Birthday Dinner......excuse given was because of money.  While I understand this, money was not needed.... and his presence was all that I longed for.  He had some excuse for not seeing me before he left and then didn't leave when he said he was.  I hadn't heard from him (minus small text here and there) and then wanted to talk on Monday.  I asked him why?  You can go a day or two without talking to me why do you want to talk now?  Why do you want to ask what my short-term goals are?  Why won't you just let me go!?!!??  I didn't mean to snap but it's like we have these little breaks, I focus my mind on other things, get him out of my system, and then he comes back.  To lay down with him and then have to constantly remind myself that it's nothing more than awesome deep passionate sex is a lot.  His response was "To love me".  I love him.......but loving him hurts.  A couple of weeks ago I finally listened to the lyrics of a song sung by Lauryn Hill that I've often heard but never really "listened" to......."felt like I could've wrote the lyrics myself.  He's having a hard time letting me go so it's up to me to help him.  *Responsibility*

"It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard.

Loving you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars.

Tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity.

See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

Is this just a silly game that forces you to act this way….

Forces you to scream my name, and then pretend that you can’t stay. 

Tell me who I have to be, to get some reciprocity. 

See no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will.

No matter how I think we’ve grown you always seem to let me know, it ain’t working…..

And when I try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay, this is crazy.

I keep letting you back in, how can I explain myself.

As painful as this thing has been, I just can’t be with no one else.

See I know what we go to do, you let go and I’ll let go too. 

‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you……..and no one’s ever will.

I've decided to stick with the Cancun Trip......will give me more motivation to get on my workouts and tone up ;-)  Also, thanks to my friend's constant reminder of me being a "good catch", I'm looking forward to getting out and being "caught" ;-)

OAN: I would like to add a Strip Tease Class to my goals for the year...................yep *giggles*

~Peace & Blessings~

BUSY!

So students returned this Monday and OMG SWAMPED!  Yesterday I was thinking I have seriously fell off with blogging soooooooooo *giggles* time for some updates :-) 

Life has been awesome!  I have been feeling sluggish in the mornings now.....partly weather - partly Aunt Dots visit (menstrual cycle) that is vastly approaching *ugh*.  But all in all doing well.  Food is low, trying to push through for the next week or so.  Have been purchasing things that can stretch a meal......may do spaghetti tonight.  Work is well just continually reminding myself to not become complacent again and allow another year to go by without being in PhD program!

Dating Life - Haven't been on any dates......don't really want to. S has been hitting me up, attempting to converse more but the constant reminders of pain keeps me at bay.  He came to visit me in the office, needing to use my phone.  He had it for quite some time and when I leaned over realized he was going through my messages and then pictures.  I went to grab for his phone and he wouldn't give me the password............something to hide......I don't have the patience and just asked that he not go through my phone.  He hasn't done this since we first started talking back in 2011. 

CASA - Have class tonight *ugh* but will be one step closer to finishing program *huge smiles*.

Discipleship Class (Mosaic Women) - Had first class Monday and went really well :-) 
18 Weeks..................................................................................................................................................

Fast - Fell off with Fast, started again, then fell off again *sighs*

Hair - I've had my braids in less than 2 weeks and I'm missing my hair already.  Been watching more YouTube Videos and all I want to do is wash / deep condition / and massage my scalp with sweet smelling stuff smh lol

Money Challenge - I decided for me that instead of doing the deposit/transfer weekly that it would be better to just add up the weeks for the month and then budget out.

Cancun Trip - I may just travel with another sis to Miami, cheaper, haven't seen her in a while.  Plus told myself that I'm not going out of the way with special trips for those that don't for me.  This is not towards the sis' that's going to Cancun but I have another sister (blood) that has traveled across the world every year and has only come to see me once.

So yea.....here are the updates thus far.  I'm tired, want to go to bed, but will push through :-/

~Peace & Blessings~

To my surprise.....

So after the night I had on Tuesday I just knew that my Birthday would still be full of tears, depression, resentment, all of that, but I ended up having the best day!  My co-workers had a surprise gathering for me in which I received Red Velvet Cupcakes, some new tea to try and another gift card to Starbucks......was just really nice :-)

S texted me, "Good morning Beautiful"....... wth ???  I didn't respond until hours later and was like "Should've been Happy Birthday.....smh".  His response was as if I didn't give him a change - SURE - smh.  Then he sends the whole "Happy 25th Birthday to the most beautiful woman I know... I wish you many more right by my side".  :-/  I simply respond "Thank you" and then he puts that he loves me............................................................................................................................................................

So in other news, the day before on Wednesday I won a beautiful Tea Ball from Tea With Rae !!!  She is a Soror that also Blogs and is an Aids/HIV Activist.  I was surprised and quite excited to learn of this news :-)

I have tomorrow off and suppose to go out on tonight (trying to keep word despite nasty weather) but I hope to have even more fun on Saturday with my friends at the Basketball Game and Dinner *huge smiles*

~Peace & Blessings~



Tea Ball - but hopefully mine will be red :-)



Excited to try!

Love Red Velvet Cake *mmmm*

My Birthday!

So today is my Birthday!!!!  I am 30 something........lol  It's crazy 'cause I once thought the age that I am now was old and now when I hear 20 somethings say 30's is old I look at them crazy lol
I am thankful to see another birthday......God has definitely blessed me thus far.  In spite of all my hangups and disobedience He yet keeps His hands on me.  I don't have anything planned for today besides work and can't think of a time that I ever took off for my Birthday from work......always just planned for the weekend *kanye shrug*

I got out on Sunday for a Poetry Event (FUN) but this Saturday I plan to attend a Basketball Game after CASA Training and then head over to my favorite Sushi spot with some friends.  :-) 

Will try to take lots of pictures to post!

~Peace & Blessings~

That moment.......

In 1971 "The Persuaders" had a number 1 hit "Thin Line Between Love and Hate".  I head this song growing up and as with many songs as I child never understood their true meaning and would just sing along.  

In 1998 a famous lyricist R Kelly also had a number 1 hit "When A Woman's Fed Up"..........He said "It's like running out of love.......and it's too late to talk about it".  In 2002 he gave us "A Woman's Threat" .....speaking of how another will enjoy all the pleasures you once had with that woman if you don't act right....

Last night for the first time I had a moment.......I dropped so many F Bomb's and for those that know me know that I rarely curse and it takes a lot for me to reach that point of pesstivity (no it's not an actual word but is for me).  After work I decided to take S a sandwich.  He had been sick in which I admit I didn't believe at first.  But just this last weekend after having a very fun conversation I asked him what I thought was a simple question, "What's the longest you've gone without sex?".  Since our discussion Christmas  I completely let things go, been in my word day and night, praying, just focused on other things.  There was no trap, no underlying motive, was simply asking my friend how long he's ever gone without sex, being I am embarking on Abstinence myself.  Well in his eyes this was a set up.  His first reply was 13 years when he was a virgin in which I responded "Wow......not even a week with us lol  You know what I mean punk! lol"  His second reply was that he was getting upset and would shut down.  I became confused as to how my simple question (to me) could cause him to become so upset.  The text went from that to him ignoring me after telling me he was lending his bedroom to some other girls and was all down heel from there. 

So.....during my visit on yesterday his exact words for explanation were "I know you and it would've been an argument".  Me, being dumbfounded, tried to plea my case, tell him that wasn't true, to please listen, and he then tells me that he's tired of listening to me. ??  That he's been listening to me for the past year and a half and that I need to "shut up and listen".  He had company over that was sitting outside with us and then went inside.....all while he was reading every message I had sent him.  I felt humiliated, embarrassed, hurt.  There was this look in his eyes like he was so disgusted with me....will never forget it.....and here I was bringing him something to eat looking stupid. 

The moment when the love that you had for someone turns into hate.......

I got in my car and the tears begin to come.  I had held them back during the ordeal but could no longer contain them.  My tears turned into a loud cry, I felt so much pain...........my stomach, my head, just a lot............and then that pain turned into anger......rage......."Fuck this!"  "Fuck THIS! I don't deserve this".  And then came..........."Fuck him.....Fuck Him......Fuck HIM!"  This then became "I hate him......"  Yep............ I later asked God for forgiveness of course but at that moment....................................it felt so good.

~Peace & Blessings~

PS: Then I get a text this morning "Good morning beautiful" as if nothing has happened at all.  Done.

First Night Out....

Goal 1 & 3 - Fasting & Getting out:

So I made it out last night!  Was invited to a Poetry Event for a frat brothers birthday, loved it!  I use to attend poetry events all the time until my car (and about 10 others) car windows were broken in the downtown area.  Let's just say that was my last time doing anything downtown after hours.  On to the event, it was FREE, the poets were awesome, and to my surprise they called for all those with Birthdays to come on stage.  We get up there and the MC announces Patron shots for EVERYONE!  I fall out laughing because 1. I'M FASTING (Please refer to New Years post regarding this smh), 2. I am a lightweight so I know in the words of Kevin Hart........It's....about.....to.......go.......down........lol  End result, I broke my fast for one shot *sighs*

Oh well back on it today lol

Goal 4 & 5 - Dating Life:

S hit me up again after the pic, etc.  Was so tempted to visit..........was having some serious PT's (pu**y throbbing's), but I'm proud that I didn't give in.  The next day he hit me up and we were having a cool conversation, and then he mentioned how some Soror's wanted to stay at his house because they were attending a party and didn't want to drive all the way home :-/ *coughs BS*  My attitude immediately went left and I found myself trying to put myself back in check.  This happened on Saturday night and not to my surprise of course he didn't hit me up Sunday.  I wake Monday morning to a text at 5 something saying "I'm sorry I didn't communicate but I've been in the ER, was coughing up blood."  I simply responded that although he saw/read all my messages he never once mentioned, and then I wasn't worth informing of such a serious matter :-/  I couldn't sleep, was tired after I got in from the Poetry Event but then couldn't rest so just began to pray.  I asked God to help me take my emotions out of the situation.  I realize when I'm not trippin' about his life, what's going on, I do so much better.  I never should've gotten upset about his space, who was gonna be in his space nor the silence the next day.  That is not MY RESPONSIBILITY......(my focus word for the year). I ended my text with ok - hope you feel better and let it be.  I have things I need to focus on and him nor his sickness should be a priority.  Sorry to feel heartless but that's just how I need to be for now. 

Goal 7 - Savings:

I changed this goal to the 52 Week Money Challenge.  After reviewing my budget and things I need to pay on saving $500 a month would be a stretch so will stick with the challenge which seems a little more attainable.

Goal 23 - Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration:

So yes indeed my Soror's have already gotten a room on lock for us! lol It's going down......smh  I have added this goal to my list because would really like to attend and be there for this monumental moment :-) 

That's all I want to update on for now........tired from the sleepless night and just praying this day goes by FAST!  Hope you had a wonderful weekend!

What are some goals you're interested in accomplishing this year?

~Peace & Blessings~

My nervousness........that shot was a LOT!

I got this......lol

Bottoms Up!  :-)

Friday!

Ok first on my mind is how much time I take to think of a title to name my post........I really dislike that lol I just want to write! 

Anyway, got my relaxing hot bath in last night!!!  My son was out skateboarding with his friend and my daughter was at a Volleyball practice with her friend so I got in so fast lol  PEACE & QUIET!  Had wanted to take a picture but totally forgot so may have a surprise later on...... ;-)

Got an enexpected call last night........from you guessed it....S.  Was shocked (kinda) but he said he was just calling to see how I was.  We talked about dogs because I want to get one, the different types and his breeding experience.  I appreciated the call but kept my cool, it's just a call from a friend.  Buuuuuuut then this morning I received a surprising text.........it was a very explicit pic that I had sent him a very long time ago.  The words read "I miss it!!!  Daaaaaaaamn why did you leave me?!!!"  :-/ No response needed but I first sent that I was shocked he even had because didn't think he kept them or even cared.  I then sent that I didn't leave him......... But we both knew he was kidding so.....

Moving on....... Had my CASA Interview today....excited that I was accepted!  Dislike the Monday-Thursday-Saturday training schedule but only have to do 2 each and this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time so......

Getting my hair braided on tomorrow.....Love my braids...my favorite protective style and has helped my hair grow so much over the past 6 months.  Not to mention less time in the morning #Winning....

 

To the right you will see what I brought for lunch today. 

Was reading some information on top foods for healthy hair by

WebMD.  Today I have some blueberries, bananas, strawberries

and walnuts.  I have a co-worker that knows what my rump

looked like before all the stress this past summer and in his

opinion I should be eating real food before doing any fast lol

Oh well.......have gotten use to less meat and better choices. 

Now with this I realize I am not a big fan of the blueberries fresh like this :-( so instead of leaving be will just add to my morning Chobani Greek Yogurt for now :-)

So for a little eye candy.... I love fishnet stockings and decided to wear a pair since had to dress on Friday due to interview soooooooo enjoy!

~Peace & Blessings~

Updates.....

So I decided to look up some blogs or video's on being Celibate and found out that is actually NOT what I'm doing lol.  Upon researching I found out that the words Celibacy and Abstinence have been used interchangeably but they actually have different meanings. The differences are listed here.....but basically Celibacy is due to some vow being taken for often religious beliefs where as Abstinence is with some period of time.  Let me explain.....I am a very sexual creature.  My mind probably thinks about sex as much as a male does *hangs head* but even in Day 3 when a thought crosses my mind I remind myself of the pain I have felt with each and every relationship failing and I squeeze my legs tighter.............or think of the Rabbit I tossed away :-/ lol  *just being real*

Also, I'd like to add the 52 Week Money Challenge to my list of goals :-)  Came across this on a friends Facebook page and think it would be a nice challenge.  I always have a hard time providing for my children during the Holiday Season and while we (my children and I) are aware it is not about gifts, etc., would still like this to be a part of our family tradition.

Well those are my updates.  Haven't decided exactly how I will post regarding my goals, weekly, MWF, etc., but will figure it out as I go along. 

~Peace & Blessings~

Happy New Year!!!

My oh my what a year and what a break!  Love working in Higher Ed *giggles*

Let's see where shall I start......have my song, "Tis' So Sweet", my scripture Matthew 26:41, and even a motto I would like to remember throughout the year (thanks to Tyrese), "Expect what you accept from people".  This past year was crazy!  Ups and downs, excitements and tears but I am truly grateful and thankful that I'm still not pushing daisy's.  I spent my break doing some much needed cleaning, physically and mentally.  Ended a relationship and hoping to build a better one with God, family and friends.  My last week of the year is always spent cleaning and developing a new list of goals I would like to accomplish sooooo today I'm gonna do something different.  Along with my list I've taken a word to focus on as well.  I mentioned the word in my last blog but the word again is Responsibility.  Responsibility for my actions and decisions, health, mental stability, etc.  Again this is MY Responsibility so will also remind myself that I can not control the actions of another, perceptions of me, or beliefs.  I'm excited about this year, as with any year, but his year marks the 10th Anniversary of my husband's passing and I'm just doing some things differently.  First on the list is a new phone number.....yep, after 10 years believe it's time.  Like my old car I believe I've been holding on to this number for longer than I should and it's time to let even the 916 go. 

Below is a list of things I would like to accomplish throughout the year.......

1. First on the list is the Daniel Fast.... My sister and her church Pilgrim Rest Baptist Church are doing this fast for the next 21 days and I would like to also join in.  Would like to cleanse my system one, and also for discipline of prayer and devotion.  My walk has dwindled with God and I would like to do better.
2. Along with the fast I'm reading "The Purpose Driven Life".  I've had this book for a couple years now and have never read past the 1st chapter.
3. I commit to at least one date night or Girls Night Out Monthly.
4. This year I will date without any attachments. Having fun for me will be to get out, enjoying meeting others, all while keeping my legs closed.
5. Celibacy Abstinence - Now I'm not even gonna lie, I've never made it past 4 months *hangs head* but I do know that I NEVER want to experience the hurt that I have this past year or so.......therefor the next man that gets a whiff of what's between my legs will be worth it, appreciate it, and take care of it.  I can't say how long.....would like until marriage or even a year, but will start with 6 months and see how that goes.
6. Begin PhD Program, or at least the Research pre-requisite class.
7. Save $500 monthly 52 Week Money  Challenge - With all my bills caught up this could be possible so will attempt to begin after tax time.
8. NO Chemicals or Heat on hair for at least the next 6 months.  I will start blogging about my hair journey shortly.  I wanted to create a new blog but we'll see......
9. I will commit to Yoga daily
10. Cancun or Miami in June (Girlfriends Bday)
11. Myrtle Beach in August (First Family Reunion)
12. California in December! (Haven't spent a Holiday with my parents in 9 years, not happening in 2013).
13. Church Participation (Choir, Youth, etc.)
14. CASA Appointment - I've been volunteering with a Juvenile Court here locally and would like to become a Certified Court Appointed Special Advocate for youth.
15. Obtain a Passport - For the above mentioned #10
16. No Overdraft fee's for the year.......
17. I would like to workout more with weights as to tone my body
18. Six Flags Fiesta Texas for my daughters bday
19. Complete a Mosaic Women's Course at our church....this may clash with CASA but only for a couple of weeks.
20. Have a least one fun day with my children Monthly.
21. Take more baths than showers....
22. Blog about every single one of these items (hopefully attaching some pics here and there).....helping me to Blog more :-)
23. Delta Sigma Theta Centennial Celebration

What I would like my blog to read at the end of 2013.......
2013 was the year…
I showed up as me...
I gave myself the gift of yoga several days a week.
I said “thank you” more.
I trusted the answers I heard within.
I said “no” when my gut told me to.
I created stronger boundaries.
I shared the truth more.
I spent more time breathing than reacting.
I stood tall in the beauty and the shit that is each day, that is living, and I stayed true to me.
I gave myself the gift of knowing I am enough and believing it.
I learned to enjoy me, alone.
I spent more time nurturing relationships with my family and friends than I spent online.
I continued to let go of the expectations of others.
I opened my heart to love in ways I never thought possible....

I don't necessarily find myself waiting for a new year to begin new things....for instance have cut a lot of meat out of my diet couple months ago and the last time I put a chemical in my hair was in June/July of 2012.  But, a New Year brings a different excite, clean slate, to began again.  Let go of past and leave it there, looking forward to new beginnings and events.  I plan to have more happy moments and peace this year in 2013!

~Peace & Blessings~